i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
