Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize