If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
