Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
