We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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