I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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