some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
