Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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