i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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