a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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