i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
