Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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