You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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