I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
