got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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