My hair reeks of homosexuality.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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