Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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