You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize