my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i need some magic done to my vagina
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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