the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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