You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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