I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
