i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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