can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
