Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
They took my balls.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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