i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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