i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
