thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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