Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
