there's paper in my vomit.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
