my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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