Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
