I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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