Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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