every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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