Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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