woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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