if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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