apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
