Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
