ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So here I am, sexting at work.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
