you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
should my penis look like a turkey
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
