Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
