Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize