god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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