when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
