i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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