Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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