it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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