Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
