Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
