He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
