He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
