i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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