i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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