My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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