you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
