I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
