Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
