The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
