Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
