Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
