i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It's rum buckets o'clock
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize